So THAT happened

Divorce. Such an ugly word. Such ugly connotations come up with it. Seldom does the process leave all involved parties in a good place, with warm feelings in their hearts. Sure isn't that way for me. It's been a tough year. But the one thing that I thought I would ALWAYS have to keep me grounded, to keep me sane, to keep me feeling needed in the world... was my marriage. Now it's ending. It's led to a tough month. My closest friend cutting me out of her life. My wife telling me she's done with me. My grandfather dying so suddenly, and so alone. I now fear that will be my end one day... utterly alone. I don't know how much the human heart is meant to endure, but I'm fairly certain that I'm at my limit. I've been trying to think... has there been even ONE day where I haven't cried, just a little? Even one day where I haven't wondered if the world would be just a little better off without me in it? Even one day where I've actually given half a shit? Even one day where I haven't wished I could die in a car crash, or be told that I'm dying of some disease? Nope, don't think so. I know it happens all the time. I know that statistically, 60% of all marriages end in divorce. That millions upon millions of people go through this every year. That I'm not the first, nor will I be the last. Doesn't mean that this fact provides me with any comfort. Doesn't mean that my heart isn't completely and utterly shattered. I love her. Doesn't she get that? Why can't she care? Wait, I know the answer to this. Because she already has a boyfriend. I know I'm not perfect, that I haven't been the perfect husband. That I've made perhaps even MORE than my fair share of mistakes. But to know that we won't grow old together now. To know that we won't be together when our kids bring "that special someone" home for us to meet. To know that we won't be together when they tell us they're pregnant. To know that we won't be together when their young family comes home to visit. To know that we won't ever share another Thanksgiving, Christmas, Independence Day, birthdays, Valentines... To acknowledge that as I think of these things and put them to paper (so to speak), my eyes are filling with tears for the umpteenth time. How could I have been a better person? How could I have kept our marriage intact? How can I go on? Why should I even WANT to? I wish I could die. I wouldn't fight it. This world has brought me more pain and heartache and misery in my life than it has joy and happiness and completeness. I don't know how to go on. I don't know how to stay strong for my kids. I don't know how to tell my friends and my family that I have failed. Of course, these days I seem to have no friends, so I guess I don't have worry about them. There's nothing that brings me even the slightest joy anymore. I've told myself for the last couple of weeks that I should go hiking. God knows, that's always made me feel good. So why is it that every time the day comes up, I don't go? Perhaps the thought of being alone in the mountains scares me more than I realize. I'm supposed to go to a party tonight to say goodbye to a co-worker. I think I probably won't end up going. I think I'd sit there and feel sorry for myself, not have a good time, and ultimately end up bringing others down. That's not the right thing to do. So hopeless and lost. Just wishing I had SOMEONE to talk to, someone I could confide in, someone who would just listen and reach out a hand to stay my sobs of despair. I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry.

So here we are...

What makes us who we are? A lifetime of experiences? A single chance encounter? Or is it all predetermined? Fate... Destiny... Chance... Coincidence. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to. Maybe. Maybe that was simply illusion. So very little makes me happy. I don't even know when that slippery slope became so steep. Only now do I begin to realize. Only now do I see just what it means. Only now do I recognize the fear of what might come to be. Or not come to be. Can you be in love with more than one person? What happens when you are? What happens when one doesn't love you back, and the other no longer even cares? What happens when where you should be, you no longer know how to be? You no longer know what to be? What happens when what you used to know as The Rule is no longer The Rule? I want it to be easy again. I need it to be easy again. The struggles... how much can one bear, I wonder, before there's just nothing left. No reason remaining. I am now where you once were. Broken? Lost? Empty? Appropriate adjectives, I think. I didn't realize the depth of it all. Until it was far too late, naturally. I miss you, and you don't even know it. I miss ME. And I know nothing but.

Karma?

It's an interesting thing really, to almost sit on the outside, and look in as though you are merely an observer. To realize the mistakes, to live, and re-live, the pain. To slowly acknowledge the sadness, the despair, the loneliness. To what do I owe this pit of blackness, this endless ocean? For awhile, a long while even, I was in a good place. Happy, content, surrounded by good and love. That was then. This is now. 180°. I can't say as how I've ever been so miserable. Rejected at every step, in every fashion. Much easier to see how some people, in their old age, can become so bitter... a lifetime of shit can do that to a once hope-filled person. Can it end? When there's no light at the end of the tunnel, how do you know when to get off the train? I'm tired...

Lessons learned

I know, I know.  It's been a while. Actually however, that's not true.  I've found myself reverting to good ol' fashioned pen and paper for some time now.  So shoot me.  Now I'm back in touch with the digital world.  And so, the roller coaster shall continue, I'm sure.

Things I've learned of late:

1) Never say "it can't get any worse" because, chances are it will.  Unless you have a deal worked out with Murphy.  That rat-bastard son of a bitch.
Last year, I thought it was the worst year of my life, and it could never get worse.  Well, then 2014 rolled in.  Each month this year has gotten progressively worse.  I suppose I could get run over by a bus.  Would that be a problem, or a respite?  Currently, leaning towards the latter rather than the former.

2) Nice guys really DO finish last.  I always thought this wasn't the case.  Boy, was I a fool.  It's a shame that "nice" is all I've ever known how to be.  My life might have been much different... much more fulfilling... had I learned at a young age how to be an Ass.

3) Loneliness is a life-long friend.  Sometimes, it go into another room so as to convince you that it's gone away, when in reality it's stalking you from the shadows, awaiting the prime opportunity to jump out and wrest you to the ground.  Loneliness is a bastard.

And then, because of the failed decision of a youth, it all began to unravel... the journey on a path to a place that can never be untraveled.  All that we have known, all that we have done, and worked for... soon to be gone, soon to be but a memory.  Loneliness, despair, desperation, failure.  These are now a part of the day, the everyday.  Soon, only the memories of the good will remain.  How quickly things can change, as the world outside continues, unchanged, unknowing, uncaring.  Of those that have fallen, are falling, and will fall through the cracks.  Here we go. 

Long gone

I can't help but think that I am just too young for a mid-life crisis. And yet, that is exactly what I think I am suffering from. I guess if I pull up in an over-priced hotrod, I'll know I was right.
I miss my past. I miss the carefree times in my life, where my biggest concern was what fun thing was in store next for me. Perhaps this is selfish. In fact, I'm sure it is. However, that fact does not change anything.

For the past two years, I've been missing the group of co-workers and friends I used to have at the old station. Wishing I could see more of them, wishing we could hang out like we used to. Recently, I found out that most of them have been doing just that... without me. I never knew. Can't help but feel a little down about that. A really stupid thing to be upset about, but it does bother me. Suddenly I don't miss them quite so much, but instead find myself feeling ostracized. I wonder if there is something I have done to them...?

Just seems that there are more and more negative things and fewer positive things for me of late.

Back to missing the past... this past summer I got in contact with some old friends, whom I haven't really seen or spoken to in a decade. It was nice to catch up. Of course, it wasn't the same as things once were, but it was enjoyable. I vowed to go visit them at least once a year from here on out. Anyway, I dated her sister Marla briefly, back in the day. I always had a thing for Marla. I wished at the time that our relationship, which was primarily friends, could have been more. Unfortunately I missed that chance because we fell out of touch. She was such a sweetheart. I found out yesterday that she just had a baby (her third, with her second husband), but that the baby was born a month prematurely, and with an exceedingly rare and untreatable kidney disease. In fact, the doctors had told her and her husband since the condition was identified that the baby would very likely not survive more than just a couple of days.
The baby is now on day two. She's doing well thus far, considering. The baby was sent to Denver via Air Life. Marla is on bed rest and cannot travel for a few days at best, so her husband Greg is here in town with his daughter.

The baby is already on the donor list, but the chances are unfortunately so very slim. I feel awful for them. I have been able to think about nothing else all day. Kind of odd, since I've never met Greg, and haven't spoken word one to Marla in probably about 14 years or so.

I guess this is just a small factor in the overwhelming urge to get in touch with my past again. So many things that just aren't going the way I would like them to. I realize I'm no more special than any other; so many people have problems so much worse than mine, after all. This fact doesn't change the fact that I feel utterly alone in my feelings, and that no one can possibly understand or identify.

I find myself easily irritated. I never used to have this problem.
I find myself unable to see the good... in people or in situations.
I need a night out, I think...

What the ??

I find myself sitting back in contemplation more recently, than perhaps I ever have.
I find myself thinking of the old days (as though I'm old or something... pashawww!)
Remembering friendships long forgotten, some of whom just drifted away. Some of whom were taken, abruptly and unfairly by the Angel of Death. I don't know why exactly this is, or why it's bothering me as it is.
Remembering growing up, the stupid things I did as a teenager, the simple fact of how lucky I am to have survived those years.
Remembering my late teens and early twenties, when the whole world seemed as though it was ahead of me, and I hadn't the foggiest clue what the hell I was going to do with my life, in all reality.
Remembering certain adventures throughout the years, wishing I could have had more of them.
I wonder how my life came to be what it is. I wonder how many people in all the world around me wonder exactly the same thing. My guess is pretty much every single person who has ever and will ever live. So it's not as though I'm special, because I'm just one of the many. But still.