Long gone

I can't help but think that I am just too young for a mid-life crisis. And yet, that is exactly what I think I am suffering from. I guess if I pull up in an over-priced hotrod, I'll know I was right.
I miss my past. I miss the carefree times in my life, where my biggest concern was what fun thing was in store next for me. Perhaps this is selfish. In fact, I'm sure it is. However, that fact does not change anything.

For the past two years, I've been missing the group of co-workers and friends I used to have at the old station. Wishing I could see more of them, wishing we could hang out like we used to. Recently, I found out that most of them have been doing just that... without me. I never knew. Can't help but feel a little down about that. A really stupid thing to be upset about, but it does bother me. Suddenly I don't miss them quite so much, but instead find myself feeling ostracized. I wonder if there is something I have done to them...?

Just seems that there are more and more negative things and fewer positive things for me of late.

Back to missing the past... this past summer I got in contact with some old friends, whom I haven't really seen or spoken to in a decade. It was nice to catch up. Of course, it wasn't the same as things once were, but it was enjoyable. I vowed to go visit them at least once a year from here on out. Anyway, I dated her sister Marla briefly, back in the day. I always had a thing for Marla. I wished at the time that our relationship, which was primarily friends, could have been more. Unfortunately I missed that chance because we fell out of touch. She was such a sweetheart. I found out yesterday that she just had a baby (her third, with her second husband), but that the baby was born a month prematurely, and with an exceedingly rare and untreatable kidney disease. In fact, the doctors had told her and her husband since the condition was identified that the baby would very likely not survive more than just a couple of days.
The baby is now on day two. She's doing well thus far, considering. The baby was sent to Denver via Air Life. Marla is on bed rest and cannot travel for a few days at best, so her husband Greg is here in town with his daughter.

The baby is already on the donor list, but the chances are unfortunately so very slim. I feel awful for them. I have been able to think about nothing else all day. Kind of odd, since I've never met Greg, and haven't spoken word one to Marla in probably about 14 years or so.

I guess this is just a small factor in the overwhelming urge to get in touch with my past again. So many things that just aren't going the way I would like them to. I realize I'm no more special than any other; so many people have problems so much worse than mine, after all. This fact doesn't change the fact that I feel utterly alone in my feelings, and that no one can possibly understand or identify.

I find myself easily irritated. I never used to have this problem.
I find myself unable to see the good... in people or in situations.
I need a night out, I think...

What the ??

I find myself sitting back in contemplation more recently, than perhaps I ever have.
I find myself thinking of the old days (as though I'm old or something... pashawww!)
Remembering friendships long forgotten, some of whom just drifted away. Some of whom were taken, abruptly and unfairly by the Angel of Death. I don't know why exactly this is, or why it's bothering me as it is.
Remembering growing up, the stupid things I did as a teenager, the simple fact of how lucky I am to have survived those years.
Remembering my late teens and early twenties, when the whole world seemed as though it was ahead of me, and I hadn't the foggiest clue what the hell I was going to do with my life, in all reality.
Remembering certain adventures throughout the years, wishing I could have had more of them.
I wonder how my life came to be what it is. I wonder how many people in all the world around me wonder exactly the same thing. My guess is pretty much every single person who has ever and will ever live. So it's not as though I'm special, because I'm just one of the many. But still.

Ch Ch Changes

All these changes, and no time to enjoy them. Or to despise them, if that happens to be the case.
I can't help but notice that, once again, Summer is drawing to a close. And once again, I feel as though I've failed to enjoy it to the fullest. I blame work.

The boss told me today that he's planning on hiring two new people. Both of which are more qualified to do my job than I am. Just a little unsettling. First thing out of his mouth was about all the Cisco certifications this one particular individual has. Well, good for him. I've been trying to get mine for the past four years, but don't even have the time to study, much less take the test and get the certs. Work, kids, chores, nap, homework, Scouts, work. By my math, that leaves about 90 seconds of free time per day. Oh wait, I guess I could give up some sleep so I could study. I mean after all, who really needs more than four hours of sleep per night? LOL.
He was telling me about how "great" this one particular guy is going to be, mentioning some of the things he could do, that are already MY areas of expertise... now, I may be paranoid, but to me that smacks of the kind of competition that I really don't want. So, I guess the game's afoot...

Then there's that other little thing that recently entered my life. A little thing that makes me smile. Makes me hot. Makes me horny. Makes me happy. Makes me content. A little thing that I just can't seem to get out of my mind. All all. Day or night. Waking or sleeping. I think I've had an erection pretty much non stop for days now... okay, since June. But especially in the last couple of days. :)
I find myself making every effort to be in certain parts of the building each morning. A glance, a smile, some eye contact. I feel like a teenager again. Now, that is a... well, let's say "fun" feeling, for lack of a better term at the moment. THANK YOU! You know who you are. I'm looking forward to Monday morning :)

So I took a nice long hike on Friday morning... up to Mt. Galbraith overlooking Golden and Mt. Morrison. LOVE it up there. Such a wonderful and beautiful place, and so nearby that I don't have to drive for hours to get there. I was only up there for a few hours, but it felt like the entire day. There's this one particular spot, just a few yards off the beaten path, that you can comfortably prop yourself upon, and enjoy a panoramic view with Hwy 6 to the left and the nearest peak of the continental divide to your right. A steep canyon below completes the scene, to give a true sense of depth. I tried to capture this view with my camera... but some things just simply cannot be realistically experienced with a two-dimensional image such as that. A shame. I'd love to share what I saw. I am already planning on going back in a couple of weeks. That's how much I like it. Not the best in the world, or even Colorado, but the best that can quickly arrived at.

Goodbye

I said goodbye to another friend today... Andrea hit the road for the East Coast.
Every bit as painful as I thought it would be. The others that were there helping her move have known her for only a few years. She and I have been friends for nine years. Hard to see that almost-decade come to an end.

Over the past month since she announced she was moving back east, I've had a lot of time to remember key moments in our friendship... lots of little things really. Lots of things that make me extremely sad to know are gone and will never happen again.

I seriously doubt she'll ever come back to visit, even though she initially said she would. I just don't see it. And I'll probably never be able to go visit her. Not that Aspen would ever want to, or allow me to do so.

Online friendships just aren't the same. Long-distance, online, all about the same. Without being able to see her, it's eventually going to wither I fear. I shall certainly try my best not to let that happen. Andrea is one of the best friends I've ever had. I can't believe she's gone now. I guess I can't blame her decision to leave, considering the pain caused to her by Charlie. Who wouldn't want the chance to start anew. New life, new journey, new future. God Bless you Andrea Dawn LeBlanc, and all the very best.

Spiritual Dilemma

I find myself in a place I have never been before, and a place I don't feel comfortable. I don't care for this, and find myself feeling more lost than I ever have before.

For some time now, I've been quite in tune with the fact that life ends. I have been thinking a lot about my parents, and the inevitable end of their lives. I particularly fear for my father. He's 59 years old, and his health hasn't exactly been the best. Over this past year, I've been to visit them more than any year since we moved away from the Western Slope. For this I am glad.

With the passing of Aspen's grandfather this week, and the fact that I actually watched him take his last breath, watched him die... this has opened up the doorway to a crisis for me. A spiritual one.

Is there life after death? Is there a Heaven or a Hell? Do ghosts roam the Earth? Questions that I had never really payed much attention to previously, are now consuming my daily thoughts.
I'm not entirely sure where I am with religious beliefs. I am not entirely sure of the direction of my spiritual self. I must wonder though about life, and death.

It seems a waste to me that someone can live a life, full of memories and love, and then it's all over and done with in the blink of an eye. Is it? When Bob died, was that simply the end of it? Will his family members have the chance to be reunited with him after death? Will Aspen spend time with her grandfather again after her eventual passing? When my parents pass, will I see them again after I die? Or once it's done, is it simply done? I have a difficult time believing that.

I suppose this leads to the more ancient question of, is there a God? I'm not sure I ever used to really believe, but I find myself leaning more and more towards the belief that there must be. Look at the intricate details of human life. Things like eyebrows. Opposable thumbs. Dexterity. Did things like this come about naturally, or was there a divine design? The exact same questions which millions upon millions of people have asked since the dawn of time itself. I'm no different, simply the latest one.

I don't discount the theories of Evolution, or of Theological Design. I find myself thinking that both can and do apply. I'm not sure I believe in the story of Adam & Eve being the parents of all mankind. Nor do I believe whole-heartedly that all life is strictly based upon evolution. I believe that the current human form did evolve from the lower forms of Ape. But what is to say that God didn't have a hand in that basic design? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can a combination of the basic theories and beliefs not be feasible? I'm coming to believe, in my own head and heart, that they are.

So many questions, so many over-whelming uncertainties. I wish this was easy and clear-cut. But then, what in life is?