Spiritual Dilemma

I find myself in a place I have never been before, and a place I don't feel comfortable. I don't care for this, and find myself feeling more lost than I ever have before.

For some time now, I've been quite in tune with the fact that life ends. I have been thinking a lot about my parents, and the inevitable end of their lives. I particularly fear for my father. He's 59 years old, and his health hasn't exactly been the best. Over this past year, I've been to visit them more than any year since we moved away from the Western Slope. For this I am glad.

With the passing of Aspen's grandfather this week, and the fact that I actually watched him take his last breath, watched him die... this has opened up the doorway to a crisis for me. A spiritual one.

Is there life after death? Is there a Heaven or a Hell? Do ghosts roam the Earth? Questions that I had never really payed much attention to previously, are now consuming my daily thoughts.
I'm not entirely sure where I am with religious beliefs. I am not entirely sure of the direction of my spiritual self. I must wonder though about life, and death.

It seems a waste to me that someone can live a life, full of memories and love, and then it's all over and done with in the blink of an eye. Is it? When Bob died, was that simply the end of it? Will his family members have the chance to be reunited with him after death? Will Aspen spend time with her grandfather again after her eventual passing? When my parents pass, will I see them again after I die? Or once it's done, is it simply done? I have a difficult time believing that.

I suppose this leads to the more ancient question of, is there a God? I'm not sure I ever used to really believe, but I find myself leaning more and more towards the belief that there must be. Look at the intricate details of human life. Things like eyebrows. Opposable thumbs. Dexterity. Did things like this come about naturally, or was there a divine design? The exact same questions which millions upon millions of people have asked since the dawn of time itself. I'm no different, simply the latest one.

I don't discount the theories of Evolution, or of Theological Design. I find myself thinking that both can and do apply. I'm not sure I believe in the story of Adam & Eve being the parents of all mankind. Nor do I believe whole-heartedly that all life is strictly based upon evolution. I believe that the current human form did evolve from the lower forms of Ape. But what is to say that God didn't have a hand in that basic design? Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can a combination of the basic theories and beliefs not be feasible? I'm coming to believe, in my own head and heart, that they are.

So many questions, so many over-whelming uncertainties. I wish this was easy and clear-cut. But then, what in life is?