Long gone

I can't help but think that I am just too young for a mid-life crisis. And yet, that is exactly what I think I am suffering from. I guess if I pull up in an over-priced hotrod, I'll know I was right.
I miss my past. I miss the carefree times in my life, where my biggest concern was what fun thing was in store next for me. Perhaps this is selfish. In fact, I'm sure it is. However, that fact does not change anything.

For the past two years, I've been missing the group of co-workers and friends I used to have at the old station. Wishing I could see more of them, wishing we could hang out like we used to. Recently, I found out that most of them have been doing just that... without me. I never knew. Can't help but feel a little down about that. A really stupid thing to be upset about, but it does bother me. Suddenly I don't miss them quite so much, but instead find myself feeling ostracized. I wonder if there is something I have done to them...?

Just seems that there are more and more negative things and fewer positive things for me of late.

Back to missing the past... this past summer I got in contact with some old friends, whom I haven't really seen or spoken to in a decade. It was nice to catch up. Of course, it wasn't the same as things once were, but it was enjoyable. I vowed to go visit them at least once a year from here on out. Anyway, I dated her sister Marla briefly, back in the day. I always had a thing for Marla. I wished at the time that our relationship, which was primarily friends, could have been more. Unfortunately I missed that chance because we fell out of touch. She was such a sweetheart. I found out yesterday that she just had a baby (her third, with her second husband), but that the baby was born a month prematurely, and with an exceedingly rare and untreatable kidney disease. In fact, the doctors had told her and her husband since the condition was identified that the baby would very likely not survive more than just a couple of days.
The baby is now on day two. She's doing well thus far, considering. The baby was sent to Denver via Air Life. Marla is on bed rest and cannot travel for a few days at best, so her husband Greg is here in town with his daughter.

The baby is already on the donor list, but the chances are unfortunately so very slim. I feel awful for them. I have been able to think about nothing else all day. Kind of odd, since I've never met Greg, and haven't spoken word one to Marla in probably about 14 years or so.

I guess this is just a small factor in the overwhelming urge to get in touch with my past again. So many things that just aren't going the way I would like them to. I realize I'm no more special than any other; so many people have problems so much worse than mine, after all. This fact doesn't change the fact that I feel utterly alone in my feelings, and that no one can possibly understand or identify.

I find myself easily irritated. I never used to have this problem.
I find myself unable to see the good... in people or in situations.
I need a night out, I think...