So THAT happened

Divorce. Such an ugly word. Such ugly connotations come up with it. Seldom does the process leave all involved parties in a good place, with warm feelings in their hearts. Sure isn't that way for me. It's been a tough year. But the one thing that I thought I would ALWAYS have to keep me grounded, to keep me sane, to keep me feeling needed in the world... was my marriage. Now it's ending. It's led to a tough month. My closest friend cutting me out of her life. My wife telling me she's done with me. My grandfather dying so suddenly, and so alone. I now fear that will be my end one day... utterly alone. I don't know how much the human heart is meant to endure, but I'm fairly certain that I'm at my limit. I've been trying to think... has there been even ONE day where I haven't cried, just a little? Even one day where I haven't wondered if the world would be just a little better off without me in it? Even one day where I've actually given half a shit? Even one day where I haven't wished I could die in a car crash, or be told that I'm dying of some disease? Nope, don't think so. I know it happens all the time. I know that statistically, 60% of all marriages end in divorce. That millions upon millions of people go through this every year. That I'm not the first, nor will I be the last. Doesn't mean that this fact provides me with any comfort. Doesn't mean that my heart isn't completely and utterly shattered. I love her. Doesn't she get that? Why can't she care? Wait, I know the answer to this. Because she already has a boyfriend. I know I'm not perfect, that I haven't been the perfect husband. That I've made perhaps even MORE than my fair share of mistakes. But to know that we won't grow old together now. To know that we won't be together when our kids bring "that special someone" home for us to meet. To know that we won't be together when they tell us they're pregnant. To know that we won't be together when their young family comes home to visit. To know that we won't ever share another Thanksgiving, Christmas, Independence Day, birthdays, Valentines... To acknowledge that as I think of these things and put them to paper (so to speak), my eyes are filling with tears for the umpteenth time. How could I have been a better person? How could I have kept our marriage intact? How can I go on? Why should I even WANT to? I wish I could die. I wouldn't fight it. This world has brought me more pain and heartache and misery in my life than it has joy and happiness and completeness. I don't know how to go on. I don't know how to stay strong for my kids. I don't know how to tell my friends and my family that I have failed. Of course, these days I seem to have no friends, so I guess I don't have worry about them. There's nothing that brings me even the slightest joy anymore. I've told myself for the last couple of weeks that I should go hiking. God knows, that's always made me feel good. So why is it that every time the day comes up, I don't go? Perhaps the thought of being alone in the mountains scares me more than I realize. I'm supposed to go to a party tonight to say goodbye to a co-worker. I think I probably won't end up going. I think I'd sit there and feel sorry for myself, not have a good time, and ultimately end up bringing others down. That's not the right thing to do. So hopeless and lost. Just wishing I had SOMEONE to talk to, someone I could confide in, someone who would just listen and reach out a hand to stay my sobs of despair. I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry.

So here we are...

What makes us who we are? A lifetime of experiences? A single chance encounter? Or is it all predetermined? Fate... Destiny... Chance... Coincidence. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to. Maybe. Maybe that was simply illusion. So very little makes me happy. I don't even know when that slippery slope became so steep. Only now do I begin to realize. Only now do I see just what it means. Only now do I recognize the fear of what might come to be. Or not come to be. Can you be in love with more than one person? What happens when you are? What happens when one doesn't love you back, and the other no longer even cares? What happens when where you should be, you no longer know how to be? You no longer know what to be? What happens when what you used to know as The Rule is no longer The Rule? I want it to be easy again. I need it to be easy again. The struggles... how much can one bear, I wonder, before there's just nothing left. No reason remaining. I am now where you once were. Broken? Lost? Empty? Appropriate adjectives, I think. I didn't realize the depth of it all. Until it was far too late, naturally. I miss you, and you don't even know it. I miss ME. And I know nothing but.